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7-26-99
Well, here it is, our very first attempt to lighten up the very serious drama best known as "Days of Our Lives". Although I believe it is only Days's status as a daytime program (and maybe Y/R) that keeps it from displacing "ER" at the top of the Nielsen Ratings, sometimes you can't help but poke a little fun at the slightly unbelievable world of Salem.
At the hospital, Lexie reassures Mike that the staff is behind him.
(A knock at the door.)
Lexie: You wanted to see me?
Mike: Not particularly, but since you're here...I need to get a feel of what's going on in the hospital.
Lexie: Uh, Mike? The last time you got a feel, didn't you get punched in the face?
Mike: Yes, but fortunately Ali doesn't hit very hard.
Lexie: Anyway, Mike, everyone except a few unimportant people (which certainly doesn't include me) is behind you.
Mike: Thanks for your support, Lexie.
Lexie: I'll tell everyone you're the finest COS I know.
Mike: But Lexie, the law suit is about my ethics, not my looks.
Meanwhile, the champion of sexually harassed women commiserates (word of the day) with her friend Voodoo Barbie.
Ali: Voodoo Barbie, you know I'm not crazy, don't you?
Barbie: Whatever you say, Nurse Nutcase.
Ali: Watch what you say Voodoo Barbie -- I can strangle you with both hands behind my back. So, voodoo Barbie, did you sleep with Mike?
Voodoo Barbie: (channeling the voice of Susan Banks Crumb): Yes.
Ali: Hey, you sound familiar...
Voodoo Barbie: Are you one of the vampires?
Also at the hospital, where apparently there are more offices than patients, AUSTIN and Carrie are actually alone together in her office.
Austin: Hey Carrie. Is uh this uh a uh bad time?
Carrie: No, I'm surprised to see you.
Austin: Yeah, especially since I'm your HUSBAND and all...we need to talk.
Carrie: Well, I have no problem with that -- you're the one who has trouble with complete sentences.
Austin: I'm uh moving to uh the uh Kiriakisless mansion -- the uh guest house.
Carrie: Take a sleeping bag.
Austin: Huh?
Carrie: Never mind. Why the hell are you going there?
Austin: I uh don't uh feel comfortable while uh Will is with uh Lucas.
Carrie: So you're spying on Lucas?
Austin: How did you guess?
Carrie: (sighs) It's a gift.
Back at the DiMera mansion (where someone is actually/allegedly sick), confrontation ensues.
Nick: Aunt Viv, you should divorce Stefano.
Stefano: I heard that!
Vivian: (gives the wide-eyed, "busted" stare): Heard what, sweetie baby sugar darling?
Stefano: That you and your duplicitous...
Vivian: (hands Nicholas the dictionary)
Stefano: nephew are deceiving me and you're not dying!
Vivian: uh, umm, uh...
Nick: (furiously flips pages): Doo-pli-ci-tous: acting in a doo-pli-shit manner
However, in Paris, Eric and Greta take advantage of the romantic restaurant ambience.
Eric: Jimmy pell Eric.
Greta: Hee hee hee.
Eric: Je ver le poo son aux champ pig nons.
Greta: Hee hee hee.
Snooty Waiter: Je veux baisser la belle dame.
Eric: Uh, what'd he say?
Greta: Hee hee hee...he just needs me in the kitchen for a minute.
Also in Paris, Bo and Gope continue their spat.
Bo: Where did you go after the wedding? You know I was in HA-WA-II with John and Marlena on their honeymoon.
Gope: EW!
Bo: You know, Hope, John disappeared during his honeymoon.
Gope: (gasp) You're kidding me.
Bo: It's OK, Marlena found him and he was still able to have lots and lots of sex.
Gope: Whoopty damn doo.
Bo: Shawn-D wants to come home from boarding school. You don't think the fact that it's summertime has anything to do with it, do you?
Gope: Whatever, it's not like we'll miss any important years. Besides, you see what boarding school did for Nicholas Alamain.
Bo: I guess you have a point.
Back at the hospital, Craig and Nancy continue to have the same discussion they've had for the last 2 months.
Craig: (multiple choice, your pick:) a)Eye on the prize, Nancy. b) Soon I'll be COS. c) It's everything we've wanted.
Nancy: But Craig, what if Ali says we pushed her into filing the lawsuit?
Craig: Like anyone, especially a jury, would believe Ali...
Ali: (joining them as she files that same folder): We get to depose Carrie and humiliate her! Yay! (skips gleefully)
Claire: Alison, that is not the goal of this lawsuit.
Craig and Nancy (in unison): Eye on the prize, Ali.
Craig: You know, I predict by this time next month, Mike Horton will be history.
Nancy: You've been reading the spoilers again, haven't you?
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